The topic of men's grief: A man writes about his emotional world

Dr Martin Kreuels is a coach for men who have lost a loved one and a biologist. He is the author of '17 years we. My wife is gone' and 'A clown in a children's hospice'. These books are featured at the end of the following articles.

The author Martin Kreuels presents himself

Born in Kevelaer (Germany) on the Lower Rhine in 1969, I went to Münster (Westphalia) to study biology. There I met my wife, we married and had four children. Until 2009, I was a scientist through and through, I tried to lead and explain my life rationally. However, after a two-and-a-half-year battle with cancer, my wife died, leaving me with our young children.

From that point on, science gave me hardly any answers to my questions. So I began to feel the need to talk to men in similar situations. But despite an intensive search, I did not find anyone. So I decided to change my path and asked myself why I couldn't meet such men.

In the context of book projects, countless conversations, lectures in hospices, endless research, the founding of mourning cafés, several specially tailored men's consultation hours, training courses, workshops and seminars in Germany, a clear picture finally emerged for me, and I got answers to male behaviour especially in times of mourning. This journey and the search took ten years.

Today I can give answers and thus answer some of my questions. Life is divided into stages. We learn, they leave traces, but they also bring valuable experiences. Over time, you find your way. Perhaps I can give back some of what I have learned.

Men sometimes have problems with direct conversation. Statistics show that only 20% of all visitors to counselling centres are men, whereas 80% of all 'successful' suicides in Germany are male! Only 10% of all visitors to mourning cafés are men. The characteristics that lead to this behaviour have developed over many hundreds of thousands of years and are deeply ingrained in men. But just because they are ingrained doesn't mean they are set in stone!

Topics related to men's mourning may seem difficult at first. Ultimately, my work as a book author, coach and bereavement counsellor is about making your life easier. I look at the whole thing from the perspective of a biologist, because that is where information lies that we often ignore, but which is part of every human being.

My approach to mourning

The first picture of me is of a little boy with a feather in his hand. I had just learned to walk. The feather and the birds have been with me to this day. At the age of 10, I joined my first scientific club. School, however, was a constant torment for me. Everything was too narrow.

During my studies, biology of course, I was finally able to breathe deeply. After graduating, I was self-employed until shortly before the Corona period, and then I worked as a managing director of scientific associations until today.

My career has always been focused on biology, but I have had personal experiences that I would rather not have had. But as humans, we have no control over them. I was confronted with a side of myself that I could not explain scientifically – my emotional world.

At some point, I realised that – when I looked at other men in similar situations – there were similarities and parallels. If there are similarities, I thought, then there must be a common thread. Here, perhaps, something has developed that has crossed generations. If we are dealing with experiences and behavioural patterns that our great-grandfathers also showed, then we are soon in the subject of evolution, and thus back in biology. I was back home.

Since 2009, I have been giving lectures and seminars, writing books and articles, and trying, as a counsellor and coach, to bring the subject of men's grief to the attention of the public as an under-recognised field. My aim is not to compete with psychology, sociology, the church, existing grief counselling, etc., but to show another facet that also influences our behaviour: our biology as mammals with many millions of years of development. Yes, and although many will say that we are one step ahead, this information is in the genetic make-up of every cell.

We can only deal well with grief if we include many different aspects to do justice to the person who needs help. An individualistic approach can draw from all areas if it helps.

Recommendations: Books by Martin Kreuels in English

17 Years We: My Wife is gone

Men don't write about feelings, this isn't manly. Men are hard, think logically, coherently and don't show any feelings.

And yet they reach limits where this picture isn't quite true anymore. When my wife died, precisely this picture was torn to pieces. Looking for books written by men about this topic, I wasn't able to find any. This is how this book came into being. I wrote down my thoughts in the period before and after my wife's death. Thoughts noted down by a person who is trying to regain control of his life, lead his life and show his four children the way.

👉 The 112-page hardcover edition '17 Years We: My Wife is gone' was published in March 2013 and is also available as an e-book in online bookstores.

A clown in a children's hospice

This book is subtitled 'Sometimes quite loud and sometimes infinitely quiet'.

For a whole year I accompanied Isabel Donald-Schneider, also known as 'Clown Feli', as photographer at a children's hospice. There I was able to see how, as a clown, she stirred emotions among the children, pulling them out of their gloomy daily lives while giving them some space. This resulted in this illustrated book, which portrays little known aspects of life in a hospice: the children's laughter, which may at times be quite loud, but also some moments of infinite quiet.

👉 The 100-page paperback edition 'A clown in a children's hospice' was published in April 2015 and is also available as an e-book.

👉 Find my books in German (non-fiction, novels and poems).

© "The topic of men's grief: A man writes about his emotional world. Answers to male behaviour in times of mourning": An article by Dr Martin Kreuels (translated by Izabel Comati), 03/2025. The image at the top of this page shows a mourning figure at the fountain, CC0 (Public Domain Licence).